Cinnamon Brown

I have always been the “big girl.” Growing up in a house full of brothers and two amazing parents, I never felt any pressures at home to be a certain size or look a certain way. As I went to school and participated in sports, I became more aware and more ashamed of my size. One coach told me I had perfect “Amazon shoulders” that he said would make me a great swimmer. When I played softball, my coach automatically put me at the catcher position because “I was bulky enough to protect the plate.” In High School, a teacher who could not remember my name (although I am not sure how one could forget a name like Cinnamon) resorted to calling me the “big girl in the front row.” I used to dread those rites of passage most teenagers welcomed. Going prom dress shopping with my friends was torture as they had racks of dresses to pick from and I could only find a handful in my size. I was terrified to dance with a boy because I feared that once he put his arms around me he would feel my fat and be disgusted. It seemed that the more people began to define who I was as a person by my weight, I did too. I worried that people did not take me seriously and only saw my weight and not my humor, my brain, or my compassion. Soon I forgot these things too and only saw a big fat girl. In a society obsessed with beauty, perfection, and thinness, I never really felt like I fit. It was not until I began teaching young women who were also struggling with an unforgiving and harsh beauty ideal, that I gained a new perspective. Watching these amazing young women who were smart, funny, and beautiful devalue themselves because they did not think they were thin enough broke my heart. Then I realized that I was doing the exact same thing. Just like my students, I was not any less of a person because of how I looked. My weight is just a number and it is my experiences, relationships, and accomplishments that really define me. I played college softball, I earned a doctorate, I can run four miles, I have my dream job, I play the ukulele, I knit, I fight for other women, I am married to a wonderful man who loves me for what I am, I am a loyal friend, I am a caring daughter and sister, I am a fun aunt, I am a teacher, I am a strong WOMAN!!! I am me. I really like me. I have always been the “big girl.” But these days it is my big heart, my big personality, and my big dreams that I see long before I see my big size.